Advanced!!!

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel our medicine is so advanced, we
cut off a man's testicles, put them into another man and in 6 weeks he's
looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of
the brain from a person, put it into another person's head and in 4
weeks he's looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person, put it into another person's chest and
in 2 weeks he's looking for work."

The S.A. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you
are way behind us. In South Africa, about a year ago, we grabbed a
person with no brains, no heart and no balls. We made him President of
 South Africa and now - the entire country is looking for work!!"

R20

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a R20.00 note. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this R20 note?"
Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this R20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the R20 note.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth R20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it.

How To Properly Place New Employees!!!!!!!!

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
5. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
6. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put then in Engineering.
8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
14. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
15. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
16. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

Life Explained!!!!!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span...”

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Have A Laugh!!!!

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home.

We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door.

So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

'Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to p!ss first.

And the lazy son of a b!tch p!ssed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood.

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really p!ssed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his a@s@s out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY p!ssed me off?..............................
 
When I looked down and saw that my feet were just THREE inches off the ground!

Grandma's Boyfriend........

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa's gone to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, but the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV set hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's local church minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"

The minister fainted.

Night Classes

Vuyo: Dumisani, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Dumisani: Oh!
Vuyo: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Dumisani: No
Vuyo: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take
Night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:
Vuyo: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Dumisani: No
Vuyo: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night
courses,you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Vuyo: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Dumisani: No
Vuyo: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night
courses, you would know this.

This time, Dumisani got irritated and said: And you do you know who
Is Sipho Magwaza?
Vuyo: No
Dumisani: He's the guy sleeping with your wife. If you stop night
courses, you would know this!!